A time to build up, a time to break down. A time to dance, a time to mourn. A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together.

The quiet of the evening is deafening.  You self reflect. You go over the past then face the reality that things have changed. Relationships have changed. Everything has been impacted. The way you view yourself. The way others see you.  As an optimist, I’ll view this self reflection as a  learning experience. One to discover my identity. An attempt to view myself honestly,  yet to be non- judgmental. Identifying my individuality, then rebuilding on my strengths.

I have been a part of two for so long, I had forgotten  what it was like to be me. There were always rules. Never any time to sit and think about who I was or what I wanted. Time was never my own. Now I am learning how to find out who I am, what I enjoy, and what I need to be happy.  There is a sense of freedom. This freedom elevates. I can listen to music as loud as I want. Sounds childish but true. The aspirations I have are mine alone. The goals I set are for me.  I find sitting in a friendly café with a cup of latte inspiring. I can  enjoy the things that I like to do without time constraints. There are no negotiations or compromises.

Years ago I would view all of the above as selfish.  Now I surmise  that the risks of acting a bit selfish are necessary to find your individuality. Perhaps find that better person. In being totally selfless you harbor resentment and unknowingly learn to act with passive aggressiveness.  I know that I have gone down that road.

During my marriage I was always trying to trying to please my husband or his family. Giving in to disagreements to passify. Trying not to rock the boat. Sometimes there was  a cost to my well being, satisfaction  and happiness. Sometimes it was those things I enjoyed the most that were sacrificed. I have been in therapy since the split.  It is a soul searching experience.  It has helped me to try new and different things. I have learned to plan  ahead and spend time doing what I like to do. I work in healthcare and I see so many lost souls  who are my age. People who have wasted  opportunities in their life or become  complacent with non-fulfilment. We have only one chance in life.  My feeling is to make it the best.  Unfortunately it took  a very long for me to realize this.

One of the hardest things for me is to establish a different relationship with family, friends or acquaintances that I have known when I was married.  I have heard the critical analysis and dissection of our marriage with tearful eyes and burning ears. I know that this is a loving way to show support, but it also saddens me. I know that I have done some things wrong, and that his exit was awful and unforgiving.

But in the end there was value in our marriage. There was love, kindness, and compassion. Although this did not matter in the end. I am grateful for my two boys who are the center of my being. I could not have dreamed that they would have grown to be so loving and kind. I am on my way to redesigning my life. I walk away from the past with no regrets. I am on my way to new beginnings.