There’s no coming back this way The path is overgown and strewn with thorns. They’ve torn the life-blood from your naked eyes. Cast aside to be forlorn… In the terms of endearment. In the terms of the life that you love. In the terms of the years that pass you by. In the terms of the reasons why. Funny, how it seems that all I’ve tried to do. Seemed to make no difference to you at all… Sarah McLachlan

It has been 6 months ago today since  I received that phone call at work.

 It is a difficult arrangement. Typically once someone moves out you do not see them.  I live in our house which is on our business property. In season, he is here daily. He comes in the house daily while I am work. He makes lunch, takes a shower, and before I get home he feeds the dog and cat. On weekends I see him briefly.  We are in the process of trying to sell this very complex property.

But we’ve reached an impasse.  To be friend or not to be friends.   Every once in a while you go back to the scene of the crime. You go back to what you know will start that emotional cycle again. Set you back months from counseling and healing. You know that you should not do it, but you do it anyway.

Ok- he wants to be “friends”. Sounds nice. It a holiday and he wants to have a drink with me. All week I wondered if he would surprise me with a reconciliation or the other option. Tell me he did indeed leave me for another.  I struggled all week with both scenarios. It was the Fourth of July. This was always a great family event with a cookout, fireworks, and a campfire. Even as the boys became older, we still had a nice family day.  So he wanted to have a drink on the patio and I agreed.  After a few minutes and one beer later,  I realized that this was not what I expected. I sat there listening to  what I perceived   was the  great time he was having without me.  That was not the frosting on the cake.  That was not what unglued me.  It was the tale  of a friend he admired so, who never married. How he had a great life, never had to deal with the strains of a relationship or commitment. Did whatever he pleased. How ideal. Another topic was how he did not understand why our break-up could affect his relationship with one of his oldest friends. How could a women stand in the way of her husbands’ friendship? I realized that I could no longer listen to rants. I got up saying I could no longer do this. To what end should I sit there and pretend that the past 6 months were great. I clearly stated that once the property was sold we would only speak when it related to our children.

I find our tenuous relationship unworthy of a friendship at this time. His lack of understanding relationships confuses me.  Is this midlife crisis? Why does he lack the understanding of how a relationships develops and grows with age?  When there is a true love, a husband and a wife nurture that love. Any connections we once shared have eroded. Relationships are give and take. Not just for self satisfaction.

This holiday has been pivotal in my determination that we cannot be friends. This is not the person I once fell in love with. He is a different man, who lacks the ability to love, and honor any relationship.  I think I was the cook and housemaid? Is that what I should take with me after 35years?

Friendhip?  I now say this with conviction.  Sorry that ship sailed January 7^th!