The death of a marriage is a slow drawn out process. There is an emptiness. A feeling that someone has hollowed out a part of your soul. Memories of life events become spattered with anger and confusion. This is unfortunate, as they should be treasured. Memories are lost in the disarray of the current life you never knew would exist.
There has been a loss not only of my ex-husband, but also all the players in our life together. Like his remaining family members, and his extended family. Some are missed, others not. I see no decency in this loss he created. My thoughts tend to lean more toward underhanded and loathing. For some of these players were aware of the plans for his abrupt departure.
Yet, life goes on. The family we created will still be celebrated. Birthdays, marriages, child births and all other lifetime highlights will be remembered. They may not always be celebrated in unison with my ex-husband. My guess is that we will not be the one to decide. That will be up to our grown children. I do not look forward to facing his family. Bluntly speaking they were not very civil to me. I found his immediate family to be a loud, aggressive and self- serving group of individuals. Once the need for your talents or skills was fulfilled they discarded you. I find that my passive nature fell prey to their aggressiveness. Some may say my shortcomings led to this feeling. I say that prior to meeting my husband I had never been exposed to such divisive individuals. I was young and naïve back in the beginning. I clearly lacked the skills to assert myself.
Stepping away from a situation always lends to improved clarity. In my case I am looking at people and situations that previously disabled me. I can now sift through events in my life that made me not want to rock the boat. I knew that if I did there would be consequences. I valued our family and wanted all to remain intact. It was easier to go with the flow. I now know that had I handled situations differently and rocked the boat, perhaps I would not have perpetuated behaviors which clearly became the norm. Behaviors which had consequences that impacted me. Behaviors which eroded my self esteem, and my ability to become assertive in other aspects of my life.
I was an active participant in the development of “our” business. A life he envisioned, but would not have come to be without our family support. As the years evolved I unknowingly gave up any ownership of this business. We both worked full time, and initially a great deal of work was very physical which he did with the help of our boys and friends. I did work on the farm for many years harvesting our fruit, assisting in the preparation of our product, and worked in the retail side every weekend for 6 consecutive years to build our business. As the years went by I had less and less to say about the way the business was run. I was made to believe that I did not have a right to voice my opinion. He was in control of everything. It was “HIS” business. I was also working full time in a position that was demanding, and required a drive from county to county daily. At the end of the day I was home to make dinner, and do the daily routines necessary to keep my family going. Little by little I was disenfranchised. But I let this happen. He retired after 20 years. Unfortunately, I was not able to do this to keep our family financially fluent.
After his retirement I lost all interest in the “business”. It was his full- time job and he had an assistant. Personally my birth family was also going through a rough period with illness, the early death of my sister and the death of my Mom. I was not included in most decisions, and activities. I found other interest. I went back to school more as a personal goal, than a professional goal. I must admit he was supportive in this interest. But we were growing apart. I should have seen this coming, but I was so involved with the daily rigors of working full time. Then there was my cancer. My cancer treatment happened and fortunately I quickly recovered and was able to return to work. Then his mother was diagnosed with cancer. Her treatment was long and demanding and took it’s toll on both of us. I followed my oncologists directions to the letter. She wanted to make her own decisions which I’m certain contributed to her decline. No matter how supportive I was, it was never seemed enough for him or his family. I like to think that in whatever layer of afterlife her soul resides, I am sure she is smiling at this conclusion to our marriage.
The slow chipping away and decline of a marriage. What we lacked was the give and take to maintain it. I am a fiercely loyal individual, and I expect the same. I was sorely mistaken, as I feel I was sold out at every opportunity. I will see my ex- in-laws sometime in the future to be sure. I will acknowledge their presence with a nod, and then turn and walk away.
undone-then-redone-2019 