When I was about 14 years old, my cousin came back from the Vietnam war. He was a bit bedraggled from the intensity of the war. His mom had passed while he was away. He missed her dearly. We lived in the city and he lived two houses away. He would come to our house and sit at our kitchen table talking to my Mom for hours. She was a good listener, perceptive, empathetic and would help him sort through his problems. They developed a special relationship. The Beatles at that time had released the album “Let it Be” . My Mom loved the title song. It soothed her and she would sing it all the time. Sometimes there is a connection made by what was happening in our lives when a particular song was released, and popular. Years later my Mom had hip surgery and suffered a small stroke. She was placed in a nursing home for rehabilitation. We wanted to make her feel comfortable there. I remember bringing her a CD player and the “Let it Be” CD. It comforted her in a bad time in her life. Decisions based on her abilities would be determined. My Mom was one of the strongest women that I ever encountered. She did eventually go back home where she stayed for a number of years. Near the end she was placed in a nursing home due to dementia and her inability to care for herself. My sister and I played her songs to calm her. “Let it Be” was one of those songs.

My Mom was a crossing guard with a heart of gold. I remember her knitting mittens for kids from poor families who were not prepared for cold blustery winters. I also remember her going through our shoes and boots to give away to these same children. Not only was she kind she also immensely tough. She took on injustices at every level. She took on the nuns and priests in our catholic school. Times were tough in our home. My Dad was an ironworker which is a seasonal job. She always planned ahead financially to get our family through tough times, and long winters. Resources were limited but through ingenuity, steadfastness, and sheer determination she kept our family afloat. My parents really never gave any of their 4 children a choice. We were going to college, and we would be in a more financially sound position than them. They made this happen.

Music can uplift our spirits during bad times. It can bring you back to the most wonderful times, or get you through the rough stuff. This song in particular holds warm and loving reminders of this wonderful woman.

Time has passed. I am more in command of my life now.  I find I am calmer, less reactive and more clear in thinking through things. Finally moving a step forward. I can now assert myself. Every choice I make is my choice to make.

The property is finally sold. It is the most beautiful property on the Niagara Escarpment. This is soon to be someone else’s residence. What was once filled with joy, love and happiness is now just a place for me to land everyday, and quite expensive at that. I have always believed that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger. I must be Wonder Woman by now!

Since I was in high school and straight through my last year of college I  had one  boyfriend. Then I met my ex-husband. A few years later we were married. So I was never the decision maker in my life. It was a Man’s  right to make all the decisions. If I did then I would run into one of these comments:

Why would you choose that?

That’s a BAD decision!

Who would ever think of something like that?

Well now there is not a MAN to make my decisions, or to make my choices in life. I would not forfeit that right anymore! I am starting fresh, new possibilities, new roads to travel and explore. All decisions are mine. If I make the wrong one I will learn from the experience.  

There is still work to do before I leave here. I have to resume my role of packing my life in little boxes to go to an undetermined location. My realtor says it’s too early to get into another real estate contract. I need to be careful of my expenses. I have to look after myself physically and financially. I will not relinquish this right nor should I.

I have to decide what to take with me and what to get rid of. Difficult decisions, as many things hold special memories. I collect antique kitchen ware and I will not part with that. Some things are from may parent’s home. Some remind me of the days we watched my Mom and my Grandmother cook. My sister’s and I all benefited from this and became exceptional cooks.

I know my boys and my nieces will not particularly want some of our family “treasures”. That is OK and I will take them with me because they remind me of a loving family and a safe haven.

The year 2019 has been a year of facing immense loss, trying times, sadness, and fruitless negotiations. I have come out of this with strength I would never have imagined I had within. A lifetime is too short, and time is too precious to waste, or to give up on. Not ME! Still like the song says  

Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to free!

I can see clearly now because I am removing myself from the past. It’s difficult to work through the “bad” feelings, therefore to date they have not disappeared.

I see things I did not see before. I can’t explain it. When we started out in our married lives we made a life-time commitment.  Was I so naïve?  Looking back I certainly was. I believed my “husband” felt as I did.   

Someone told me recently that I try to keep busy so that I do not have to face my grief, my sadness, and my past. They said I need to sit with the sadness and grief, feel it so that I can get past it. This is true.  Tonight I sat thinking about things that occurred in my relationship with my ex husband. I should have recognize certain things early on. I kind of knew “ours” was not like other couples relationships.  I thought well  we are just different.  

When he worked outside of our business my husband had a beautiful office. In his office were pictures of our boys, and of his family. I once asked him why he never had a picture of me. I can’t remember the exact answer but most likely it was that I was crazy for even asking asking that question. Of course his  family was always first and there were plenty of pictures of his mom, brother and sister proudly displayed. Even on our business website there were no pictures of me . Maybe the first year or so when we opened for business there were. Those are long gone. Many pictures of him, our staff and his family. You would never realize the boys or I existed. You would never think that “HE” was married.

I think back to family dynamics. In the early days, I  tried my best to maintain my relationship with my mother in law. I included her in all of our  family activities. She was a widow, and had moved close by our home as my ex husband was the only local child. At that point I had a good relationship with her. Or so I thought. It always changed when his family visited, or when we were with friends or family members.  After we moved to the farm we were  invited to his  brother’s third wedding in Hawaii. We could not take the kids out of a new school or even afford it for that matter. So we did not go. There were consequences.  Not always said, but implied. He never stood up for me.

He was always invited to family’s vacations. I did not go. Usually abrupt notice and I could not get time off from work. The kids and I stayed home. He went with his mother, or by himself. My relationship with him and his family was deteriorating. But did I notice. Not at all. It was the way things were. I always was so stressed out about his family’s visits that I never enjoyed them. Just the thought of jabs here and there sent me over the edge for a month prior to the visit.  He would never act like I mattered to his family. It’s hard feeling like an outsider and you become resentful . I always had the refrigerator stocked, cleaned the house to meet health department standards, and in the end I felt that I had served as the maid. Now I have to reflect why did I not see this? Why did I think this was normal?  It just became normal for us.

 Another thing I  wondered was why my husband would ask his old girlfriend to lunch. This happened when my boys were young. I was terrible for even asking why. His answer was that I should be more secure about our relationship.  It always flipped back to something I was doing wrong. I would never dream of going to lunch with my one and only ex -boyfriend . Why would I do that?  I did not care what he was doing,  what he looked like, and certainly did not want to be his friend.  But mine was not to question his actions. He did not invite me, nor would I have gone. I don’t believe I ever really heard about the encounter..

Life went on. He traveled for his job in the early days. I worked full time or part time, whatever we needed to cover childcare. He seemed to have many extended vacations. He traveled around the country several times per year to attend training sessions. He added extra days to  see friends or just sight see.  He also took trips over long weekends with his friends just to unwind. I remember thinking that my brother or my brother-in- law never did this. I did what I had to do just to keep us going. We had a new house,two kids and he was the main moneymaker so he deserved a break, or so I rationalized. When the kids were young there were no special travel plans alone with me. We took our kids to a friends cabin every year. We just had to buy our food for the trip. Cheap vacation because we never could afford anything else. He saw the country, with his job, and maybe I should have told him that we wanted to see it to. But I didn’t.. I really did not ask for much. I remember really wanting to see the play “Cats”. He went to visit his brother out of town and they saw the play. When he returned and knew that I was disappointed, I was told I wouldn’t have liked it anyway. A musical and he did not like those. I know every song, as I downloaded the sound track. I never did see it. There was a movie which was a blockbuster that I really wanted to see with him. He saw it with friends on a trip to NYC. I was told sure I should just wait, it will be on TV soon. I saw it on HBO.

Years roll by . Apparently my family noticed what was happening. I didn’t. I thought life was good. It became a joke that it’s party time when dad’s gone. When he was gone I  usually took the kids to the toy store so they would be busy playing all week with their new toys. The kids and I did have a good time.

This deflected from the insidious growth of self righteousness, and a self serving culture that continued .  We moved from a small suburb to a farm. We were starting a business. He was the commander. But it seemed we all worked  to get our new life going. The WE being the HIM, the KIDS and I. We all worked to make it happen. The beginning was horrible. We moved to the other side of the planet as far as our kids were concerned. They had to leave their lifetime friends, their school, their neighborhood. My kids cried. I remember my youngest son asking when we could leave and go back home.  I cried.

So I sit here in my grief, not running away from the sadness. I just wonder WHY. WHY WAS I SO CLUELESS?   That is the question.  I do not have an answer.

Life goes on. Not always easy since the split. I’ve had to deal with a number of household disasters. As in living in a house with a temperature of 40degrees for a month. That was all in my head, or I did not pay the bill. I did. Turns out broken pipes that had to be replaced. Plumbing issues. I am on my way to becoming a master plumber. Power outages. I now have enough battery power to light up a star. Todays challenge was a bird or a bat flying around my house. Guess it did not like Bill Maher because I never did get to finish watching him. Talk about crazy. I almost lost it on this one. Sitting here with a hoodie on thinking about how I am going to get my phone from the kitchen and my keys without this flying potential rabies infected animal flying into me. They only come out at night. Should be a long night! This sets me into a rage for being in a house where this is possible. I end up texting the worst possible messages to my almost x for putting me in such a situation. I’m sure he is enjoying the comforts of a nice rental unit!

I’m sitting here thinking about how only one short week ago I travelled to Calgary, Alberta Canada with my son. We visited his lovely girlfriend and her family. He soon will be making his home there. Sunday we had a wonderful time with her family. We had a spectacular Sunday dinner. It brought back warm memories of my childhood. For holidays, and special occasions my parents would have the family over. Both my Mom and my Dad’s family came over. Everyone ate, drank and were merry. The kids all hung out together playing games. Life was great! The best food ever. Kids, aunts, uncles, parents, grandmothers all enjoying our time together. No strained relationships, no showboating, just talking, laughing and savoring the moment. My Dad and Uncles would end the night singing. I still remember the songs.

I look forward to better days. In a house where the only critters are my pets. I look forward to better days, to honest people, to an environment that I can manage and sit back and relax. I look forward to diminishing the fact that I was caught up in a life with a narcissist who betrayed me. One who never put the family we created first. Although grown there was no thought given by him about how this would impact our boys. The closing of this chapter in my life. Time heals, but you never forget the pain.

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it’s all right

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it’s all right
It’s all right Songwriter: George Harrison

The brightness of the summer sun dissipates the harshness of a long cold winter. The summer is a time of fun, friendship, and for me new beginnings.

I am putting aside the bitterness, the hurt, and disappointment. Time to move toward a better place in my life. I know that what has to change is within me. I believe this is happening. I feel the movement.

Expanding the horizon. Moving forward. Changing things in my life and about myself so that I am not drawn toward old nonproductive ways. I do not wish to act precipitously.

I sit and meditate on just what it is that I want. What is it that I need.  So I have developed a happiness wish list for myself. To move on I  need new living arrangements, a change of scenery. That is the best start. I have lived in the country for the past twenty years. I would either like to live on a nice city street with close access to shopping, and restaurants. I have also looked at homes on the outskirts of town which are built closer together. Either way I would be more connected to neighbors than my present situation. Spending time exploring “open houses” I have seen some of the best, as well as some of the worst homes. I love to cook. One factor in a home which is crucial  is to find the kitchen of my dreams. I have always wanted a beautiful kitchen with ample counter space and nice cabinets. A pantry would be wonderful. I am looking for a a small ranch with a nice basement, first floor laundry with up to date equipment, wood floors, an all seasons room, a controllable  yard with a  deck, and a nice front porch where I can sit out and watch the neighbors. A nice quite street, with some activity and kids.   Most important the house must be move in ready or very close to that. Now that I have that covered there are other things necessary to my future happiness.

I would enjoy some male companionship. There would be specific criteria if you want to be in my company. At first I would just enjoy someone nice to go to restaurants, shows, concerts, and plays. He can spend some quality time with me and then we would go our separate ways. Whatever the future holds for me if I were to get involved in a relationship I would like to find someone WHO IS HONEST. Someone who RESPECTS  me, and MUST be GOOD to my children and hopefully grandchildren.  Someone who enjoys cooking, likes dogs, and has healthy habits would be ideal. I want to travel so this person MUST enjoy travel. I would love someone to take walks with me, and enjoys outside activities. I would love someone who enjoys entertaining, and assists  in the preparation, and clean-up.  I want someone who treats me as their Number One. I would be their best friend and put before others. A loving soul who makes me feel good about myself.   I presume this type of man exists, and if he does I certainly hope to meet him. It’s not only the companionship. It’s about trust, love, loyalty, and the feeling that you are their special one.  That is what  I need, and never really found. I have never been treated special but someday I will find this person. Until then I will continue to have fun with friends, go to concerts and outings, and laugh a lot.  I have never been able to relax, and just be myself. It is fun and certainly a new adventure!

The death of a marriage is a slow drawn out process. There is an emptiness. A feeling that someone has hollowed out a part of your soul. Memories of life events become spattered with anger and confusion. This is unfortunate, as they should be treasured. Memories are lost in the disarray of the current life you never knew would exist.

There has been a loss not only of my ex-husband, but also all the players in our life together.  Like his remaining family members, and his extended family. Some are missed, others not.  I see no decency in this loss he created. My thoughts tend to lean more toward underhanded and loathing. For some of these players were aware of the plans for his abrupt departure.

Yet, life goes on. The family we created will still be celebrated.  Birthdays, marriages, child births and all other lifetime highlights will be remembered. They may not always be celebrated in unison with my ex-husband. My guess is that we will not be the one to decide. That will be up to our grown children. I do not look forward to facing his family.  Bluntly speaking they were not very civil to me. I found his immediate family to be a loud,  aggressive and self- serving group of individuals. Once the need for your talents or skills was fulfilled they discarded you.  I find that my passive nature fell prey to their aggressiveness. Some may say my shortcomings led to this feeling. I say that prior to meeting my husband I had never been exposed to such divisive individuals. I was young and naïve back in the beginning. I clearly lacked the skills to assert myself.

Stepping away from a situation always lends to improved clarity. In my case I am looking at people and situations that previously disabled me. I can now sift through events in my life that made me not want to rock the boat. I knew that if I did there would be consequences.  I valued our family and wanted all to remain intact. It was easier to go with the flow. I now know that had I handled situations differently and rocked the boat,  perhaps I would not have perpetuated behaviors which clearly became the norm. Behaviors which had consequences that impacted me. Behaviors which eroded my self esteem, and my ability to become assertive in other aspects of my life.

I was an active participant in the development of “our” business. A life he envisioned, but would not have come to be without our family support.  As the years evolved I unknowingly gave up any ownership of this business.  We both worked full time, and initially  a great deal of work was very physical which he did with the help of our boys and friends. I did work on the farm for many years harvesting our fruit, assisting in the preparation of our product, and worked in the retail side every weekend for 6 consecutive years to build our business.  As the years went by I had less and less to say about the way the business was run. I was made to believe that I did not have a right to voice my opinion. He was in control of everything. It was “HIS” business. I was also working full time in a position that was demanding,  and required a drive from county to county daily. At the end of the day I was   home to  make dinner, and do the daily routines necessary  to keep my family going. Little by little I was disenfranchised. But I let this happen. He retired after 20 years. Unfortunately, I was not able to do this to keep our family financially fluent.

After his retirement I lost all interest in the “business”. It was his full- time job and he had an assistant. Personally my birth family was also going through a rough period with illness, the early death of my sister and the death of my Mom. I was not included in most decisions, and activities. I found other interest. I went back to school more as a personal goal, than a professional goal. I must admit he was supportive in this interest. But we were growing apart.  I should have seen this coming, but I was so involved with the daily rigors of working full time. Then there was my cancer. My cancer treatment happened and fortunately I quickly recovered and was able to return to work. Then his mother was diagnosed with cancer. Her treatment was long and demanding and took it’s toll on both of us. I followed my oncologists directions to the letter. She wanted to make her own decisions which I’m certain contributed to her decline.  No matter how supportive I was, it was never seemed enough for him or his family. I like to think that in whatever layer of afterlife her soul  resides, I am sure she is smiling at this conclusion to our marriage.

The slow chipping away and decline of a marriage. What we lacked was the give and take to maintain it. I am a fiercely loyal individual, and I expect the same. I was sorely mistaken, as I feel I was sold out at every opportunity. I will see my ex- in-laws sometime in the future to be sure. I will acknowledge their presence with a nod, and then turn and walk away.

It has been 6 months ago today since  I received that phone call at work.

 It is a difficult arrangement. Typically once someone moves out you do not see them.  I live in our house which is on our business property. In season, he is here daily. He comes in the house daily while I am work. He makes lunch, takes a shower, and before I get home he feeds the dog and cat. On weekends I see him briefly.  We are in the process of trying to sell this very complex property.

But we’ve reached an impasse.  To be friend or not to be friends.   Every once in a while you go back to the scene of the crime. You go back to what you know will start that emotional cycle again. Set you back months from counseling and healing. You know that you should not do it, but you do it anyway.

Ok- he wants to be “friends”. Sounds nice. It a holiday and he wants to have a drink with me. All week I wondered if he would surprise me with a reconciliation or the other option. Tell me he did indeed leave me for another.  I struggled all week with both scenarios. It was the Fourth of July. This was always a great family event with a cookout, fireworks, and a campfire. Even as the boys became older, we still had a nice family day.  So he wanted to have a drink on the patio and I agreed.  After a few minutes and one beer later,  I realized that this was not what I expected. I sat there listening to  what I perceived   was the  great time he was having without me.  That was not the frosting on the cake.  That was not what unglued me.  It was the tale  of a friend he admired so, who never married. How he had a great life, never had to deal with the strains of a relationship or commitment. Did whatever he pleased. How ideal. Another topic was how he did not understand why our break-up could affect his relationship with one of his oldest friends. How could a women stand in the way of her husbands’ friendship? I realized that I could no longer listen to rants. I got up saying I could no longer do this. To what end should I sit there and pretend that the past 6 months were great. I clearly stated that once the property was sold we would only speak when it related to our children.

I find our tenuous relationship unworthy of a friendship at this time. His lack of understanding relationships confuses me.  Is this midlife crisis? Why does he lack the understanding of how a relationships develops and grows with age?  When there is a true love, a husband and a wife nurture that love. Any connections we once shared have eroded. Relationships are give and take. Not just for self satisfaction.

This holiday has been pivotal in my determination that we cannot be friends. This is not the person I once fell in love with. He is a different man, who lacks the ability to love, and honor any relationship.  I think I was the cook and housemaid? Is that what I should take with me after 35years?

Friendhip?  I now say this with conviction.  Sorry that ship sailed January 7^th!

The quiet of the evening is deafening.  You self reflect. You go over the past then face the reality that things have changed. Relationships have changed. Everything has been impacted. The way you view yourself. The way others see you.  As an optimist, I’ll view this self reflection as a  learning experience. One to discover my identity. An attempt to view myself honestly,  yet to be non- judgmental. Identifying my individuality, then rebuilding on my strengths.

I have been a part of two for so long, I had forgotten  what it was like to be me. There were always rules. Never any time to sit and think about who I was or what I wanted. Time was never my own. Now I am learning how to find out who I am, what I enjoy, and what I need to be happy.  There is a sense of freedom. This freedom elevates. I can listen to music as loud as I want. Sounds childish but true. The aspirations I have are mine alone. The goals I set are for me.  I find sitting in a friendly café with a cup of latte inspiring. I can  enjoy the things that I like to do without time constraints. There are no negotiations or compromises.

Years ago I would view all of the above as selfish.  Now I surmise  that the risks of acting a bit selfish are necessary to find your individuality. Perhaps find that better person. In being totally selfless you harbor resentment and unknowingly learn to act with passive aggressiveness.  I know that I have gone down that road.

During my marriage I was always trying to trying to please my husband or his family. Giving in to disagreements to passify. Trying not to rock the boat. Sometimes there was  a cost to my well being, satisfaction  and happiness. Sometimes it was those things I enjoyed the most that were sacrificed. I have been in therapy since the split.  It is a soul searching experience.  It has helped me to try new and different things. I have learned to plan  ahead and spend time doing what I like to do. I work in healthcare and I see so many lost souls  who are my age. People who have wasted  opportunities in their life or become  complacent with non-fulfilment. We have only one chance in life.  My feeling is to make it the best.  Unfortunately it took  a very long for me to realize this.

One of the hardest things for me is to establish a different relationship with family, friends or acquaintances that I have known when I was married.  I have heard the critical analysis and dissection of our marriage with tearful eyes and burning ears. I know that this is a loving way to show support, but it also saddens me. I know that I have done some things wrong, and that his exit was awful and unforgiving.

But in the end there was value in our marriage. There was love, kindness, and compassion. Although this did not matter in the end. I am grateful for my two boys who are the center of my being. I could not have dreamed that they would have grown to be so loving and kind. I am on my way to redesigning my life. I walk away from the past with no regrets. I am on my way to new beginnings.

So life has changed. One of the hardest parts is losing the daily companionship. Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the inadequacies of the other person. I find it non-productive and depressing. Looking back, I think both of us kept putting time and effort into everything except each other. You can never go back. You can’t change the past. In saying that, there is no where to move but forward. My bossy sister has been known to say “Put on your big girl pants and deal with it”. So I do.

I find that I cook one big meal once a week. Then I eat it for days. I find my house to be cleaner. I find that my skills for plumbing have improved since I have taken the bathroom sink apart a few times, and unclogged sinks. Other things are a challenge like figuring out heating problems, lifting a 60# sick dog through the house. In general fixing things when they break. But you do get through it one way or another.

Many suggestions for moving on have come my way. All of which focus on rediscovering who I am and building a new life. But to move forward you need to let go. Until January 7th my whole world was built around my family. At he center of this family was my husband. Well that is changing…not divorced yet! I spent 35 married years taking care of him and building a family. My question is ” How do you stop loving someone that has been such a significant part of your life?” The answer is not easy. My advice to young women is this. Do things that are important to you. Do not give them up when you marry. Remember who you are. Do not let go of your dreams and goals. Do not lose them in someone else’s dreams. They are yours to keep. I gave up “My Dream” for his. I believed we had the same dream. In retrospect my family was helping to build his dream. Once it came to fruition we were left at the curbside. Well at least I was.

Life happens. Family members become ill, you lose them before their time. Parents enter nursing homes, and you suffer your own personal health problems. For me it was cancer. It seems like by the time I took a breath and felt like we could enjoy time together….he packed up. In the words of Bob Seger- “He packed up his bags and took off down the road.”

There were 6 good days in January of 2019 for me. On the 7th day my life changed. It all began with a phone call I received at work about 11:30 am. Shortly after this call I left work, and stayed at home for 2 days in complete shock. I never thought I’d be here. Who does? I’m going into my senior years not as I expected. Sixty -two years old, working full time, and packing my life into little boxes to start over again. Could this be possible? I’ve been mentally set to slow down, take it easy, travel, do fun things and lose some of the responsibilities . Nope not going to happen for me! Not in the divine plan for me! Why? Because I just got dumped by the person I trusted most in the world! Years ago I saw an episode of Sex in the City. It was the episode where Carrie gets dumped by her boyfriend Berger on a post-it note. Feel like Carrie had an explanation- “I’m sorry I can’t Don’t hate me”. Not much of one but something. I was blindsided . When I asked for an explanation all I got was “You want a list? What good would that do now?” Fact is he told everyone we were unhappy, except for one person. That would be ME!

So I kissed him goodbye on the morning of the 7th. He told me I looked pretty. One of the last things I asked him that morning was well what are you going to do today? Oh stuff he replied. Little did I know that in a few hours I’d understand what that stuff was. Hooking up the trailer and moving his STUFF out of our home. I left work and came home. I sat in a chair and stared out the window for hours. I was in shock. I took down the Christmas decorations on the second day in no time at all. Just keep busy, keep moving and you wont feel anything. This numbness and shock lasted through January!