Doctor, my eyes have seen the years And the slow parade of fears without crying Now I want to understand See I have done all that I could To see the evil and the good without hiding You must help me if you can Doctor, my eyes Tell me what is wrong Was I unwise to leave them open for so long Doctor, my eyes Cannot see the sky Is this the prize For having learned how not to cry Songwriters: Jackson Browne

Outside my kitchen window there is a  hundred and fifty year old maple tree.  It grows stronger and wider every year. All it will take is a mighty wind to blow it down and bring it down. I am very strong some days,  then on other days I become unraveled by a slice of toast.  All it takes is a discussion with myself about where I was ten months ago and where I am now to set me straight.  Sometimes that discussion proves futile. Today is that day.

Today is the culmination of one too many events which absolutely overwhelm me. Its about the impending holidays, the impending layoffs at my job, and the loss of my health insurance that will soon come with my divorce. Finally the sale of this house, with no idea yet of where I will live, looms in my not too distant future as well. I feel like I am becoming a bit psychotic-over thinking each one of these events. I try to harness my energy into solutions but find my self stuck in reverse. All those insecurities of the past ravage the present.

I need support but then I have reports of what the x is up to. I really could care less but on we go into the parade of his weekend. I ask myself why should he be any different in his behavior and please do not tell me. I really don’t care! I REALLY DO NOT CARE!

That being said, now I have to organize my holidays in a new way. That takes a bit of work to redo an activity like a Thanksgiving day dinner when you have done it one way for many years.  It always was a lot of work which I did enjoy. But change is different and there is always time for new traditions. I am in the process of wrapping my head around this, and proceeding with the change.  This year I will not cook. I will help purchase food for the event. I will make a pie to be inclusive in the preparation. But I have no interest , and I am more than happy to sit this one out. I have always worked my tail off to prepare the perfect dinner. Oh well. I don’t have it in me. I will pay and show up.

About the job. Well looking to the future I need health insurance. So I will need job security. While I am looking I will look perhaps in a different direction. I am rebuilding my life and a change would do me good. Easier said than done. Just acquiring the motivation to apply is always the hardest part. Today this begins. No more procrastination! Move forward!

About where to live. I have been given advice about both renting or owning a different house. Someone recently told me to go with my gut, for all decisions are mine to make. So I will look for a small ranch. My needs are minimal at this point as I would rather just spend some cash traveling, and enjoying life. Where I live is dependent not only on my support systems, but also my employment. All need to be considered. So I will go to open houses, and keep my eye open on conveniently located homes.

Sometimes you look up and cannot see the sky because clouds block the horizon. But this is temporary and soon the sun will shine, and the sky will be wide open and full of possibilities. I need to remember this, especially today.