It’s the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance It’s the one who won’t be taken Who cannot seem to give And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed That with the sun’s love In the spring Becomes the rose Songwriters: AMANDA MCBROOM/sung by: Bette Midler

This has always been on of my favorite songs. To me it is about having the courage to take chances. The writer wants to move beyond fears to find love and happiness. I have spent a lifetime being afraid to move beyond my comfort zone. I feel like I could not see, what I did not want to see .

Through months of counseling I have realized that I am my worst critic. I try to be kind and compassionate to others, but I do not give myself a break. If somebody is unhappy, if someone has a problem I want to fix it for them. I anticipate and try to make other people happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. It is the evolution of understanding your being. Although at times this is painful, it is necessary. An example may be when I am complimented on something. I just respond with some nonsense to deflect away from myself. That is more my typical response. Instead of just saying thank you and moving on.

I try to look deep for solutions. That is why I would not let go of asking for a reason why my x left. I needed a reason although it didn’t matter. He left. I thought of a million things that I did that made him leave. Wondering what I did wrong and how I could have changed outcomes. Truth be told nothing. I helped him take care of very demanding woman. She was never complimentary to me about anything. She was downright nasty. When she died he left. I resent the family who told me I was just a good mother. I was also a damn good wife. I was an outstanding wife to put up with his ways and their ways for so long. After a while you start believing what your told daily. I have insecurities to be sure and he fed into them. His chauvinistic patterns, his non-stop comments about weight ,with the usual comment if you gain weight you are out of here, my hair, my clothes, what I said fed right into my insecurities. I have met so many happy couples who are just happy. Love is unconditional. You accept people for more than what they look like, and what they wear. Love is more that superficial. It is about who a person is. You look for someone who is kind, compassionate and has integrity. Getting back to weight . When he left I lost about 235# of chauvinistic male.

For too many years I was afraid to try new things, to say what I felt or believed. If I did what if someone did not like me. Now I say big deal. Can’t please everyone.

Years ago I believed I was lucky to be married.. Lucky to have a home and a family. Nothing else mattered. I am awakening. I do not need anyone but myself and those I love to be happy. I have been learning to dream and to dance myself into another life. If love comes my way in this process I will welcome it with open arms. Love comes with no conditions, just respect and honor. Love is to be nurtured and to blossom. Love just is to be.